“Jagi-yah! Come on, let’s go home. Oppa is tired.” Daesung yelled out from the training room where he has been laying down.

“You are telling me let’s go but you are there laying on the floor!” I laughed and GD grabbed his leg and dragged him across the room.

“Ya! I’m getting up!” Daesung got up and grabbed his belongings. He told me to wait in the car while he says goodbye to everyone.

I made my way down the back exit to avoid people. Since I was little I never liked being in a crowded place. It suffocates me and makes me feel dizzy. Daesung was the only person who can take me out to a busy mall and make me feel at ease.

I moved to our neighborhood here in Seoul when I was 7 years old. I didn’t know any Korean at all, I was sent here to live with my grandparents who I actually just met the day I moved. My parents passed away from a tragic car accident. I was put into an orphanage until my grandma came to the US to pick me up. I didn’t have that much friends to begin with and I played by myself all the time.

“Are you okay?” Daesung asked snapping me back to the present

“Yeah I’m okay. Ready to go?” I smiled

“You sure you okay? You look bothered by something.”

“Oppa, I’m okay. Just thinking how lucky I am to have you.”

“Ready to go home?” I nodded and off we went into the streets of Seoul in the middle of the night.

~

He held my hand along the way, didn’t let go at all. I looked at him and he smiled at me. I looked away blushing. We drove up in my driveway and he opened the car door for me.

“Sleep early okay?” He grabbed my bag from the trunk of his car and walked me to my door. “Go inside now it’s cold.”

“Stay for the night?” I smiled.

“Jagi-ya, I have to wake up really early tomorrow I don’t want to wake you up that early.” He held my hand and kissed my forehead.

“okay then.” I sighed and opened the door.

“Don’t be sad. I’ll see you tomorrow okay?” he hugged me and I hugged him back.

I got inside and watched him leave from the window. He saw me and waved goodbye before he left.

I went and did my nightly routine before I went to bed. After taking a shower, I stood by the body length mirror that’s propped up just outside the bathroom door. Wrapped in a fluffy towel I examined the bruise  just right below my left collar bone.  I massaged it a little to keep the blood circulating in that area. I got dressed and went to sleep.

I woke up in the middle of night due to feeling suffocated. I got up and ran to the bathroom and I started coughing up blood. This is not good I told myself. I rinsed my mouth and headed back to bed, the clock on my bedside table says it’s only 5 in the morning, I grabbed my phone beside it and dialed Daesung’s number.

“Jagi-ya, why are you up so early?” Said a happy Daesung at the other line.

“Are you headed to YG already?” I tried to say it as calm as I can.

“Yes. Why? Is something wrong?” a hint of worry in his voice.

“It’s nothing. I just coughed up blood, I think it’s just because I was coughing so hard yesterday.”

“I’m going there right now.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll see you later when I go in for training. I’ll go to my doctor as soon as his clinic opens.” I smiled through the phone.

“Are you sure?” He asked, I’m pretty sure he pulled over somewhere.

“Yes I’m sure.”

“No. I’m heading there and we will go to the ER.” He hung up the phone even before I get to answer.

Oh well, I’ll just go back to sleep. He has a key anyway. I went laid back in bed but I couldn’t get myself to go back to sleep. I stared at the wall until I heard the door open after 30 minutes of laying back down. I sat right up but was forced to lay back down because everything is spinning.

“Maxene, I’m here now!” I heard him say from the hallway.  I tried to call out to him but no sound left my mouth.

~

I woke up hearing machines and it was dark. The only light that’s illuminating the room was coming from a street lamp. I felt a hand holding mine and when I looked around I saw Daesung. I squeezed his hand and his head immediately turned to my direction.

“Hey, you’re awake. How are you feeling?” He kissed my hand and I saw his eyes all puffy from crying. A tear rolled down my cheek as he kissed me and all I did was smile and I heard a long beep then everything became silent.

~

Months have passed and it’s like I am nothing to this world. I was sitting at the bleachers seat just right in front of the stage, just where I always sit when they have their concerts. No one seems to notice me but I shook it off. Daesung was singing his set of songs, making funny comments and making everyone laugh in the crowd. His last song is up and he sand Baby Don’t Cry.

After the song I saw tears rolling down his cheek, and videos of us were shown on the big screen. I started crying and suddenly a bright light shown from behind me. I know I had to go. I whispered I love you and Daesung shot a look towards my direction and everyone was quiet.

“I love you too my baby girl.” I heard him say as I faded away.

“Seung-Hyun, I don’t get it okay!” I stood up and walked towards the table where my phone and car keys were.

“Baby, just listen to me.” He followed me around as I tried to gather some of my things.

“NO! This is the end of it. The end of US!” I stuffed some clothes, my laptop, my wallet and my phone inside my backpack. He hugged me from behind but I shook him off. “I’m leaving! I’ll get all my stuff as soon as  find a decent apartment. For now I’m going to stay with a friend.” I started walking towards the door but he followed me and held on to my arm to stop me from leaving.

“PLEASE DON’T GO!” He begged. I turned around and saw him crying.  I pulled my arm away and walked out of our apartment, our relationship.

~

It wasn’t long ago that I found out about his little secret. He was gone for about 3 months and a half because of their activities in Japan. While I lay in bed alone at night, he was out there with some other woman. I cried myself to sleep because I missed him, he was having fun in bed with someone else. When I found out about this, I told myself I’m going to confront him and talk this out. I did and he denied everything, but one day someone knocked on our door looking for him. That woman told me that she was 3 weeks pregnant. I know I shouldn’t believe her but from all the evidence that I gathered from the other Bigbang boys, I had to make this decision.

I held on tight to the strap of my backpack as the elevator took me to the basement where my car was parked. I tried my best not to press the button that will bring me back up to our apartment so I can run to him and hug him and tell him I’m sorry. I just can’t let this happen anymore. I need to let him go. I need to stop caring for him and start taking care of myself. The pain in my chest did not subside, I know I needed to stop and relax but I want to get to Shay’s house early.

~

“Girl, are you okay?” Shay ran outside as soon as she saw me get out of my car. She gave me a hug and that’s when I broke down and cry. “It’s okay, you need time apart.”

” I know we do but I’m hurting so much right now.” She pulled away and held my hand.

“Come on hunny, let’s go inside, it’s getting cold.” Shay led the way inside and I plopped down on the couch.

Shay knows everything about my relationship with Seung Hyun. She knows every detail, of course she’ll know, she’s my best friend. I sat up after a while and saw Shay preparing dinner. I walked towards the kitchen and she looked up and smiled.

“Slept alright in the couch?” She continued setting the table.

“Yeah. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” I walked towards the table and started helping her. “I’m leaving after dinner. I don’t want to bug you.”

“Where are you going to stay?” She asked

“I don’t know yet. A hotel, or I’ll drive down to the lake house.” I held on to the knife tightly not noticing I was holding it by the blade.

“LEAH LET GO OF THE KNIFE!” Shay tapped my hand and that’s when I realized what I did.

“AH! God damn it!” I ran to the sink to wash off the blood and Shay handed me a clean towel. I wrapped it around my hand and we both hurried out the door and drove to the ER.

~

I got 16 stitches on my hand, I know I’m stupid, but hey I’m only human. Shay signed some release papers and we headed back to her house. As soon as we got there I grabbed my backpack and was about to leave when Seung Hyun arrived.

“Are you okay? Did it hurt? Are you feeling okay?” he grabbed my arm and I shook it off me.

“Leah, please.” He got teary eyed.

“You two need to talk. I’ll be in the kitchen if you two need anything.” With that Shay walked away and left me with the person I don’t want to be with right now.

I stood by the door with my arms crossed, ignoring the sting in my hand. Seung Hyun paced back and forth as I stare out of the door.

“This is going nowhere.” I mumbled

“I admit my mistakes and I apologize for doing those things.” he stopped right in front of me. I bowed my head so he won’t see the years that started rolling down my cheeks. “I got so lonely without you there.”

“You know what? Just go fuck yourself. I don’t even want to discuss this.” I made my way to the couch, grabbed my backpack. I still do love him and I understand where he was coming from but I have to stay away for now.

“LEAH!” Seung Hyun grabbed my arm and pulled me to him. He pulled me into a kiss and I kissed him back. I pulled away trying not to cry.

“Seung Hyun, I love you and you know that. But right now, I need to time to think things through.” I kissed him on the cheek, hopped in the car and left.

I let my emotions take control and as I pulled out of Shay’s driveway I watched him through my rear view mirror until I couldn’t see him anymore. I don’t know where I’m going so I’ll just let my emotions take me to where my heart wants to go.

~

“WHERE ARE YOU? DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED WE ARE?! TABI SAID YOU RAN AWAY! WHY? YOU TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW YOUNG LADY!!” I had to hold the phone inches away from my ear when Teddy does this.

It has been a 3 days since I’ve had contact with my friends and I understand why Ted is worried.

“Sheesh! It’s early in the morning!” I complained over the phone.

“I’m serious! Where are you?” he asked nicely.

“Promise you won’t tell anyone?” I trust him but he sometimes tell so I kind of question myself about our friendship sometimes.

“I promise.”

“You know where.” I sat in bed looking around for something or someone that’s not even here.

“Oh. I’m coming there right now.” I heard him look for his keys and I can tell he’s getting irritated.

“Appa, your keys are on the table by your door.” I giggled a little bit imagining him blaming his dog again. “Ya! Promise me you’ll be alone! DO NOT tell anyone.”

“I promise! Who am I to tell anyway? They boys are heading back to Japan for a week.” Anger struck me again. I know I have to calm down but with all the thinking that I did, and I’m about to give him another chance, they are going back to Japan again. “Leah? Are you still there?”

“Oh. Yeah I’m still here. Bring some food, kay?”

“You went there without getting anything to eat?”

“Just come here, please.” I started to feel lonely and started to think of Seung Hyun again.

“Okay, I’ll be there in an hour. Are you okay?” There was a long pause but deep inside me I know that he feels how I am right now.

“Yeah, Just please get here as soon as you can.” I immediately hung up and threw the phone across the room.

I sat in bed crying and all the crazy thoughts have been going on in my head. Since yesterday, I have been monitoring what’s going on in the industry and I guess the scene outside Shay’s house got out. On one of the websites there’s a picture of Seung Hyun and I fighting. I don’t know how this came up, I don’t even know how they found out that we are having problems right now. I have to set these thoughts aside. I don’t want Ted to worry while he is here. I hope he only stays for a couple hours.

~

“Time to eat Leah” Teddy shook me awake and I just pulled the blanket up and buried myself deeper in the pool of pillows. “ya! Wake up now. It’s 5 in the afternoon.”

“2 more hours please.”

“But you have to eat.” he pulled the blanket away and I was forced to get up.

“I’m up! I’m up.” I looked at him and saw his face turned sad from worried. “What?”

“Are you okay?” he touched my cheek and I just wanted to give in but I know I can’t.

“Yeah.” I forced a smile and he was convinced.

“I made lasagna.” He smiled and I giggled.

“I smell something yummy and burnt at the same time.”

“I tried making something else but yeah it got burnt. So I made lasagna.”

“From the box.” We both got up from bed and he handed me my jacket.

“Put this on. It’s pretty cold.”

“Thank you.” I slipped my jacket on and followed him downstairs.

Ted isn’t a good cook but when he puts his heart into something it’ll taste delicious. Dinner was awesome and I felt some pressure go away. It wasn’t until 10 pm that he broke his promise. Seung Hyun walked in from the front door with 2 dozens of roses.

“What are you doing here?!” I asked him.

“I just want us to talk everything out.” he set the flowers down and started walking towards me.

“I’m going to go outside for a smoke break.” Ted tried to go out but I stopped him right before he even step foot near the door.

“NO! You stay here. Seung Hyun, leave now. We’ll talk when I get back to Seoul.” I turned around to walk away but Seung Hyun grabbed me by the waist and hugged me.

“Please don’t do this. I want to talk this out.” I shrugged him off and I headed upstairs back to my room.

~

I don’t know what I’m thinking but I found a gun in the bathroom. I checked of it was loaded, and when I saw it was, I cocked it and shot myself in the chest. I guess I missed my heart and I can feel a burning pain coming from inside me. I heard loud Knicks on the door and them the darkness consumed me.

~

A very long time had passed and I went on my own way. I’d party with friends on the weekends and work hard during the weekdays. I’ve seen the guys on tv and even saw them at clubs. I tend to hide when they were around.

One nigh in a club I was walking around a corner to go to the bathroom when Seung Hyun and a girl stopped right in front of me. Seung Hyun looked me in the eye looking shocked. He shook his head and just walked off. It’s like he didn’t even see me. I shrugged off what happened and just decided to ditch my friends.

I walked towards Seung Hyun’s villa, I still have his keys and if I show up here I’m pretty sure no one would mind. I made my way inside and looked around, the place hasn’t changed and my pictures are still around. I felt tears run down my cheeks as I made my way to his room.

A couple of hours have passed and I heard someone making their way up the stairs. I hid in the closet as soon as Seung Hyun entered the door. I watched him as he sat in bed grabbing the picture frame I was looking at.

“Aishh, ahjumma touched this again.” he held on to the picture and he started crying. “I wish you know how much I miss you.”

I tried not to cry but I failed. I pushed the closet door slowly and a cold wind just blew from where I am.

“I thought I saw you in the club. But I guess my eyes were playing tricks on me.”

I stood there puzzled. It was me who he saw and he’s saying that his eyes were playing tricks!

“It’s your death anniversary. I should have just stayed at home with you.” he grabbed the metal urn beside him and hugged it. “I miss you Leah.”

After that I saw the light. I finally accepted my death. Before I crossed, I kissed Seung Hyun on the forehead and a strong wind blew in from the window. As I was fading away from the earth I heard him say the the words I’ve been waiting to hear.

“I’m sorry for everything. I love you so much.”

I zipped up my jacket while waiting for JiYong, I was waiting at the lobby in our hotel here in Jeju. He had to run back up in our room to get the camera that he accidentally left when we went down to the dining hall for breakfast. I pulled up my hood since someone might recognize me and start following us. JiYong and I was granted a one week vacation and so did the other members. We decided to go here because this is the place where we met so we wanted to come back and re-live the memories.

“Babe, are you ready?” He kissed my neck as soon as he approached me.

“Not here babe, people might see.” I giggled and nudged him on the side.

“There’s noting wrong with people seeing some action from us. We’re out now.” he winked and grabbed my hand. “Let’s go.” He smiled his heart melting smile and off we were to go sight seeing.

We got in the car that we rented and off we went to Jeongbang waterfall. I haven’t seen it and he didn’t stop talking about it and telling me that we should go see it since we first started dating. He said that it’s pretty and since I love anything to do with water we should definitely go there first. It was still a long drive from where we stay so I started playing on my Dsi. After about 10 minutes into the game, Ji Yong grabbed my hand and kissed it. He didn’t let go of it so I decided to just let go of my game.

“Jagi-ya, saranghae.” He smiled and looked at me. We’ve been dating for over a year now and I have never told him that I love him. I do love him, I’m just not the type of girl who would answer to that. I’m more of a show-it-instead-of-saying-it. I smiled at him and we continued to our journey for today.

~

We got to the waterfall and there was a lot of people around. We hiked up to the top where we can see the falls from a birds eye view. I propped up my camera and started taking pictures of the wonderful view.  Ji Yong came up behind me and hugged me, as I rested my head on his shoulder, I closed my eyes and listened to his steady breathing.

“Noreen, are you okay?” He kissed my forehead and I looked at him.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” I smiled and turned around to look at him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I just… I’m just nervous.” He slid his hands in his pocket.

“Nervous about what babe?” I started to get scared when he started to turn pale. “Babe?”

He kneeled in front of me and took out a ring from his pocket.

“Noreen, I know it has only been a year since we started dating but, I want to take this to the next level. Patrice, will you marry me?” He looked so nervous and all I can do was nod. He got up and slipped the ring on my left ring finger.

“Ji Yong…” was all I can say. He kissed me and we ended up in a hug. When he pulled away, he walked towards the edge of the cliff.

“NOREEN! SARANGHAMNIDA!” he yelled out into the open, echoing through the emptiness.

~

The drive back to the hotel was quiet but full of awkwardness. I guess this is something we need to get used to again. Even though we’ve known each other for over a year and we’ve been living together for about six months now, whenever there’s something new going on, we find ourselves back to the shyness and getting used to something. Now that we are engaged, I felt happy. I am going to marry one of Korea’s big shot superstar but that’s nothing, I fell in love for who he is and not by what he is.

Ji Yong’s image of being serious about everything is the opposite behind the camera. He’s sweet, loving, understanding and a very childish guy. Fights and misunderstandings never last a day. He tries his best to talk And fix everything before the day ends.

~

We got back in the hotel, because of the activities we did, we both decided to rest for a couple of hours before heading out to dinner. I put my purse on the table, and looked over where he was. Jiyong was watching tv so I just decided to freshen up and change into something comfortable. I saw him sleeping as soon as I got out of the bathroom, I slid under the blankets beside him and he pulled me close to him.

“Jagi-yah, let’s sleep for a little bit.” his eyes were closed as he wrapped his arms around me. I buried myself into him his arms tightening around me. After a few minutes I started to drift off.

-“No! Please don’t leave me!” I begged him and all he did was turn around and left. ‘Oh my God! What am I to do? He…’ I found myself sitting in a corner trying to comfort myself. ‘He’s gone’ was the only phrase that’s been going through my mind.-

I woke up to an empty bed, I was alone. I remembered the dream and I started to panic. I grabbed a robe and put it on, I was struggling to put my shoes on and I started crying. The door opened and I looked up, Jiyong came in with some food. I let him put the food down on the table before I ran to him and hugged him.

“Hey there! Did you have a good rest?” He strokes my back and I didn’t answer him. All I did was cried. “baby, are you okay?” Panic in his voice as he tried to pull away to look at me. I just nodded and wiped the tears away. “Did you get scared?”

“Babe, next time, please. Just please wake me up when you have to go out.” tears started to roll down my cheeks once again.

“Baby, I’m sorry. I wanted you to rest that’s why I didn’t wa—-“

“I don’t care. Next time just wake me up, please.”

“I promise.” he smiled and hugged me.

Dinner and the rest of the night was awesome but sad to say we have to go back to Seoul in the morning.

~

It has been a year since he proposed but everything went the opposite way. With me busy with work and JiYong being away most of the time, everything changed.  After almost another 6 months of being like this, I called off the engagement. Things were not the same since he started his solo project. I moved out of his apartment and moved in to my own flat. I’d go to YG to hang out with everyone but he never looked at me.

I got tired and hurt by how it is now. I decided to leave South Korea to follow my brother to the states. It was a very difficult decision but it’s for my own good, it’s for our unborn child’s good.

~

I watched my daughter grow up, and I made sure she knew her dad. It was hard at first when she started asking about JiYong but I told myself that she needs to know her real father. Her name is Pauleen but I called her EunMi all her life. She is now 4 years old and keeps bugging me to see her dad. I consulted my brother about going back to South Korea and we both agreed that it’s the best thing to do.

It’s early Saturday morning and we just landed in Seoul. I saw Teddy waiting as soon as we got out of baggage claim.

“Noreen!” He ran to me and hugged me almost squishing EunMi between us.

“Excuse me mister, can you please respect the bubble?” She said while she does the arm length bubble gesture.

“A-ha! You must me EunMi.” Teddy kneeled in front of her and held out his hand to shake hers.

“Pleasure to meet you mister.” She bowed and shook Ted’s hands.

“You can call me Oppa.” he smiled at her and EunMi looked up at me. I nodded and she gave Ted a hug.

“Oppa, do you know my JiYong Appa?”  EunMi asked as she got carried up by Ted.

“Yes I do and I will take you—” I cut him off before he can tell her that he’s taking her to JiYong. “We should go straight to you Omma’s house first and get you two settled in before we go to appa, okay?”

EunMi nodded and Ted grabbed her luggage and we headed off to the car and on our way to my house where Ted is living now. It’s a 45 minutes drive and EunMi entertained herself with her iPad and she fell asleep due to the time difference. I noticed Ted smiling and looking at the rear view mirror to check on the little princess.

“you can’t deny that she’s JiYong’s daughter.” He smiled at me.

“you think so?” I smiled back.

“If you stare at her you’ll see JiYong’s features.”

“You didn’t tell him, right?” I asked Ted

“I didn’t mention anything. I told him you’re going to be here today though. And I invited everyone for dinner at our house.” With that my heart felt like someone was squeezing it, draining the blood out of it. “It’s okay, I got you’re back my pretty lady.” I laughed at him and we just started catching up with things.

We got to the house and Ted told me to just get EunMi settled in bed and he will take all the luggage inside. The house had 3 floors, the attic was turned into an entertainment room, there’s 4 rooms on the second floor and downstairs was the kitchen, and living room. One of the rooms upstairs where I took EunMi was decorated like a princess’s castle. I laid her in bed and changed her into something comfortable. When I was sure she was deep in sleep I got up and closed the door behind me. I made my way to the master’s bedroom where I’ll be staying. Everything is still the same, I looked around and I started to tear up.

“Norie…” I heard Ted from the door.

“Oh. Hey.” I wiped away the tears that escaped my eyes.

“Freshen up, yeah? The boys are almost here. I’m going to start cooking.” He smiled and rolled in my luggage and he was nice enough to put it on top of my bed.

For some reason I was excited and I couldn’t decide on what to wear.

~

After an hour, I heard voices downstairs, I dressed up and made my way down to the kitchen and was attacked by the boys minus JiYong.

“CAN’T… BREATHE…” The boys let me go and JiYong came up to me and gave me a hug but never said a word.

It was like that for the rest of dinner, we all decided to play video games in the living room. I watched them play and watched JiYong in the corner writing his music, as usual. I was watching him quietly when suddenly we heard a scream and a door being opened and slammed shut, then little footsteps of a little girl running down the stairs.

“MOMMY! MOMMY!” I ran towards the stairs but got met up by EunMi right by the living room door. “Mommy, why didn’t you leave a light on?” She wiped her tears and I heard Ted tell the boys inside the room to stop what they were doing.

“I’m sorry baby, I thought you were going to sleep throughout the night.” I hugged her and I carried her to the kitchen.

I sat her on the countertop and grabbed a glass of water. I gave it to my little girl and she drank it. I heard footsteps coming from the hallway that connected the living room to the kitchen.

“Ted can you pass me the box of tissue right by the—” I turned around and saw JiYong. He was staring at EunMi trying to stare at the little face that looks like him. EunMi turned around and saw JiYong walking closer to her.

“APPA!” She jumped off the countertop but JiYong caught her. EunMi held on to him and JiYong hugged him.

“Is she…” He asked but I cut him by nodding. “My little girl.” I walked towards them as tears rolled down my cheeks.

The rest of the boys were standing by the hallway and I heard Teddy tell them to leave us alone.

~

Months have passed and JiYong started to warm up to EunMi. He decided to move in and try and restore the relationship we had. He was doing a good job. EunMi was supposed to start school this month but we decided to do homeschooling. She likes writing and soon she was already hanging out with her dad composing songs.

I woke up one day from what seemed like a long slumber.  I got up and no one was around. Maybe JiYong took her out. I made my way downstairs only to find Teddy waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs.

“Where’s everyone?” I asked.

“Let’s go for a walk.” Teddy offered to hold my hand and off we went to the park near the house.

“So, what are we doing here?” I asked.

“I came back for you.” He smiled.

“What do you mean? What do you mean you came back for me?” I got confused and suddenly I felt a sting in my heart. Suddenly the park was dissolved into the misty fog that surrounded us and right in front of me was a tombstone with my name on it. I looked up at Teddy. “What does this mean?”

He pointed at a little girl about the age of six with an older man holding her hand. I looked up at the man and it was Jiyong. Teddy held me back while I tried to escape from his grip to run to my daughter and Fiance.

“You can’t tamper with the present. You change one little thing, everything will change in the future.” I broke down and cry. All I can do is watch the two people in my life.

“Mommy! I miss you!” EunMi laid out the roses she had in her hands.

“Baby, it’s been a year and a half and I still blame myself for causing the accident. I love you so much and I promise to take good care of our little angel.” EunMi held his hand again and he kneeled and hugged his daughter.

“It’s not your fault daddy.”

I smiled as tears roll down my face. JiYong got up and they started to walk away. Everything came back to me and I realized I just need to accept everything that happened. I looked up at Teddy and nodded. There was a bright light and as I walked towards it, the wind blew really cold and I heard EunMi hum the song that I always sing her. I blew a kiss towards her and she stopped humming for a second as she looked back. She smiled and waved at me then she continued humming the song.

Xyryl,

How can this happen? Why can I be the one to be beside you? Why won’t you let me protect you? I’ve waited for so long… But why can’t I be the man inside your heart that completes your whole world?

~

I re-read those questions over and over since I boarded the last train that will take me back to the busy life of the city, away from my safe sanctuary in the country side. Tears were stinging in my eyes as I tried my best to push them back. These are the tears that I didn’t want anyone to see, especially Seungri. He did his best to keep me safe from the public’s eyes, from their torturing judgement. Because of A dream I realized how much he loves me. I know what they say about dreams, it is the opposite but I want to take the chance to see him and tell him that it was him all along, that I just didn’t want to be in the way of his career, his dream.

Three hours in a train, I finally reached Seoul. i walked the now almost empty streets. It’s the middle of the night and I’m pretty sure they are still in the studio, recording for their new album. I waved down a taxi and told the driver to take me to the address that I remember, to their dorm. It wasn’t very far but it’s the middle of winter and it’s cold out, the comforts of the inside of a building will do for now. 

I sat beside their apartment door, just waiting patiently. Every time the elevator door opens, I’d get up and see who’s coming out. Three hours had passed and no one came. I made my way down to the lobby and out the building. I was walking past by the entrance tot he basement garage when a mini van stopped and someone opened the door.

“Xyryl!” I heard a man’s voice calling my name. I turned around and saw Ji Yong walking towards me as the van drove off. “Xyryl, is that you?” he asked squinting as he approached me.

“Yes it’s me. I was just about to leave.” I started to turn around but he grabbed my arm and stopped me.

“Do you have a place to go to? I remember you sold your apartment here in the city.” The look of concern was visible in his tired face. I shook my head and he smiled. “Come on, you can stay at the dorm. It’s late and it’s dangerous for you to be walking around, and it’s freezing.” He grabbed my backpack and my arm and dragged me back up to their dorm.

“Welcome back home” He opened the door and the familiar scent of their place sent me down to memory lane. I smiled at Ji Yong. “You can rest and sleep in my room, I’ll sleep here in the couch.”

“No, I’ll stay out here.” I refused his offer.

“Xy, don’t ruin my image of being a gentleman.” He smiled and winked. 

“Fine. But I’m only staying here for tonight.” I looked towards Seungri’s door and heard Ji Yong clear his throat.

“He’s not coming home tonight.” I got sad when I heard him say that. I was waiting for nothing.

We both got ready for bed and went to sleep. I was informed that I will be going with to YG early in the morning.

~

Knowing JiYong from years of being with all of Bigbang, he’s always late. I took the initiative to wake up early and prepare breakfast. I woke him up extra early and he did wake up.

“Are we going to be late?” He sat in the kitchen table and ate.

“No, but we will be if you slack off while eating.” I teased. Being in this apartment made me feel I was home.

“I’m done eating, let’s go.”

We made our way down to the basement parking garage and the mini van from last night waited there. He told his manager that I was back and that I will be going with them. I heard him say Seungri’s name but I couldn’t make out what the rest was. Ji Yong got in the van and he helped me in. To my surprise, Seungri was there and some girl was there too leaning on him. 

Seungri’s eyes and mine met and he was shocked. I wanted to hug him but I stopped myself.

“Good morning.” I sat in my seat and looked at Ji Yong.

“It’s okay. I got you.” he mouthed. and I looked straight out ahead and closed my eyes. 

The pain that I felt when I left Seoul 3 years ago came back with a more intense pain coming out of my chest, like my heart being ripped out. The ride to YG wasn’t that long. The next thing I know, I was sitting inside Teddy’s studio and talking to Young-bae. We had a lot to catch up on, but that’s not what I’m here for. I am here to tell Seungri that I was wrong, that I didn’t realize how important he was until the other night when I had that dream.

Seungri would sit beside me but won’t look at me or talk to me. I know him too well, but I guess it all changed when I left.

~

Everything was the same for the next month I was here. He would talk to me but mostly he’d ignore me. It’s a Saturday night and everyone decided to go to Top’s villa for drinks and to just hang out. The boys were drinking and as I excused myself to go get something in the kitchen, I heard Seungri start talking.

“I don’t like that she’s here.” I heard Seungri say.

“but why?” asked Ji Yong.

“Isn’t it nice to have her back though? We’re back to how it was, 3 years ago.” Young-bae added.

“She brought all the pain back with her. I just want her to disappear.”

With that, I left what I was doing and slithered out of the villa. He doesn’t want me around. I guess I’ll go back to Busan.

~

Weeks have passed since I came back, but by the looks of it everything seems weird, no one talks to me and it’s like no one see’s me. Another month passed by and when I got back home I heard JiHye talking to someone.

“She passed away 2 weeks ago.” She told the person she was talking to.

“How did it happen?” I heard Seungri’s voice.

“The train she was riding derailed and exploded, she was beyond recognition.” Ji Hye started crying and Seungri held her hands.

“The day that Xyryl left, I still remember. I still love her.” He told Ji Hye.

“I’m dead? But, I’M HERE!” I shouted and a strong and cold gust of wind came from the door where I was standing. 

Ji Hye got scared and told Seungri that she’ll be going home now. Seungri sat in front of my picture in a memorial table.

“Xyryl, I never wanted you to leave. I was so happy to see you again but it was my pride that stopped me. I know that you know how much I love you. I just wish you didn’t run away that night. I know you heard what I said to the guys, I didn’t mean to. I miss you. I love you. I will forever keep you in my heart. I miss you my only girl.” 

Seungri cried himself to sleep on the floor. I sat beside him and kissed his cheek. 

“I love you so much…” I saw him woke up and sat up but everything went bright and there was silence.

So i’m writing one about Panda and I started laughing. I just can write anything serious about him. >_< This is going to take a while.

Thank you so much for following. Sorry if we only have a few post here since we are only about 2-3 days old. We will surely post as much as we can. :)

-Shen

Everything in our life we didn’t plan for. Yes we do outline everything that we want to happen but it doesn’t always end up the way we want it to be. Sometimes we live a normal life full of riches and the next thing we know, we are down in the mud trying hard to bring back what we had.

Young-Bae and I met in a coffee shop near the YG Building in 2007. I admit, I wasn’t a big fan of their music but my friend Jenny was. I didn’t even know who they were at that time since I’ve only been in Korea for about three weeks.

 On that day, I was dragged to the café to wait for Bigbang. I was against the idea of waiting there for a long time but I had no choice. Jenny is my bestfriend and she pretty much talks me into something I don’t want to do. We met up with her friends there and the long wait started. The café had dividers and booths so I brought my laptop with me to work on some homework that was due in a week, I decided to sit at the far end of the café towards the door on the side facing the deserted street that I don’t dare to walk to. Where I was sitting was the best spot for someone who would want some peace and quiet while doing school work. The booth was big enough for six people to sit in.

After about three hours of figuring out the chemical balance of each given problem on our chemistry homework, I decided to rest and close my eyes for a little bit. Five minutes into my quiet time a man cleared his throat and my eyes were wide open.

“Excuse me, is okay to share table with you?” He smiled and pointed at the seat in front of me. His broken English was too cute to not let him share the booth with me.

“Yeah that’s fine.” I gathered my chemistry books that was in front of me and put them back inside my backpack, leaving my netbook out.

“I’m Young-Bae.” He reached out his hand and I shook his hands

“I’m Kamille.” I smiled and went back to working on my homework.

He didn’t say much until he had to leave. He said good bye and left. I thought it was weird but I didn’t care. Fifteen minutes after the guy left, Jenny told me we should just go home since it’s getting late.

~

Two weeks after I first met him, I decided to go back to the café and just chill. I was in the middle of writing my essay when someone tapped my shoulder. I looked back and the guy looked familiar.

“Kamille, right?” He smiled and I just nodded. “May I join you?” he gestured towards the seat in front of me.

“Yes you may.” I smiled as soon as I remembered who he was. “Young-Bae, right?” He smiled and sipped on his drink.

“It’s nice seeing you here again. Do you go here often?” He eyed all the books I had that were out.

“Not really, I’m new to the area and this was the first place that my friend took me so it kind of stuck in my head. Plus it’s a very comfortable place. Nice and cozy.”

We were talking for about two hours when someone tapped his shoulder and told him that it was time to go.

“Kamille, is it okay if we exchange numbers?” He handed me his phone and I was hesitant to put down my number but he looked harmless. I handed his phone back after I saved my number but I didn’t expect him to call or text me.

I was on my way home when suddenly my phone beeped, I pulled it out of my pocket and the screen shows One New Message I tapped on it and it was from a number I haven’t seen before. The text says It was nice seeing you again today. Hope we can see each other again. -Young-Bae I smiled and replied back, It was nice seeing you too. You know where to find me. =)

From that day on we started hanging out, he told me who he was and I was shocked. I didn’t leave Jenny out of this but I told her to not tell anyone. After a year Young-Bae and I decided to officially date each other and then all the false news came out. I got used to it but some hurt me emotionally and our relationship started to go on and off.

It has been a month since the accident happened. Young-Bae and I were arguing about some decisions we’ve made that went wrong. We didn’t know what happened but the sales dropped and we had to explain everything to the President. Young-Bae is a member of a group called Bigbang, they are one of Korea’s best boy groups since 2006. But with time ticking and all them growing up, they wanted to explore the life of being legal.  He was driving and I was in the passenger seat trying to figure things out. We were at the point where we were blaming each other and yelling at each other. Then there it was, Young-Bae lost control of the car and hit the cars that were already piled up on the street from a previous accident.

He had it worst since it crashed from the drivers side. I blamed myself for what happened while the others assured me it wasn’t my fault. He hasn’t woken up yet and the paper’s headlines were all about the accident. Fans gathered and prayed for his fast recovery. I stayed by his side 24/7.

~

It’s a cloudy afternoon and it was the day I decided to go run some errands. An hour into it the hospital called and informed me of Young-Bae waking up. I rushed back and as soon as I got there, GD, Seungri, TOP and Daesung were there talking to him. GD saw me and led me to his bed.

“You are finally awake.” I cried and hugged him but there was something wrong, it’s like he doesn’t know me.

“Yeah, I am. But, who are you?” He finally said when I pulled away, I was shocked and then the pain reached my heart.

“Baby, it’s me, Kamille.” I held his hands and he looked over to everyone with a puzzled look.

“Kamzy, let’s go get some coffee!” GD pulled me away from Young-Bae and dragged me out of the room.  We went to hospital’s Café and sat down. He held my hand that was shaking and looked me in the eye.

“Kamille, the doctor said it will take a while for him to remember everything.” GD explained.

“but he remembers all of you.” I looked at him.

“Best thing to do is to try and help him remember. Doctor’s advice.” he smiled and I just stared out the window.

How can he forget? This isn’t right…

The doctor talked to me about how I can help him remember some things. By the time I got back to his room the guy already left. Young-Bae was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake him up so I sat beside him and started reading my book.

After a while he woke up, he looked around and saw me.

“Hey! Are you feeling okay? I’m Kamille by the way.” I got up from my seat to help him sit up on the bed.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I don’t want to sound weird or anything but… who are you?” He looked at me for the first time and I had to put up a fake smile.

“Uh… I’m Kamille. It’s nice to meet you Young-Bae.” I shook his hands and he smiled.

“So, how do I know you? Are you a friend of JiYong or Top hyung?” he played whit his IV and I just stared at it.

“Yeah, I’m a friend of theirs too but…” I shook my head. “Do you want something to drink?”

“Yes please. Just some water.”

I poured him some water and helped him hold it. It’s too painful to see the person that you love like this.

~

It went on like this for about two months, he remembered but the way he looked at me was completely different. The spark that was in his eyes before have faded away, his touch was cold and his kisses were just that. I don’t know what happened. He remembers but he changed.

One night, when we were ready to go to bed, he was sitting in bed with his laptop and he was reading something. I slid beside him and leaned my head on his shoulder. He usually would kiss my forehead and put an arm around me but he never did this time. It didn’t bother until he said something.

“Kamille, can you move , please.” I looked at him and moved. I was shocked that I can do was to turn my lamp off and lay in bed.

“Goodnight, love.” I closed my eyes and a tear escaped.

“Uhm, before you sleep… can we talk for a little bit?” He closed his laptop and set it on his bedside table.

“Yeah sure.” I sat up and looked at him.

“Let’s end this.” I was shocked and I couldn’t say anything. I started to sob but I tried really hard to stop it. “I mean, let’s have some time apart. You can stay here at this house and I’ll move back to the dorm.”

“But why?” was all I can come up with.

“Just… Let’s just end this, okay?” He got up, kissed me then he left.

~

It has been a year and I haven’t heard from him since. I only know what’s going on with them through the news. It is the 18th of May and I wanted to surprise him for his birthday. I cooked his favorite dish and baked him his red velvet cake. I told the others about it and they helped me fix everything.

Everything was ready, we were just waiting for him at the dorm. He got there and we surprised him. He thanked everyone except for me. We all ate and watched movies, I sat at the far end of the couch and I just watched them having fun. I started to doze off and I didn’t stop myself from falling asleep.

I woke up and saw that everyone was sitting outside in the balcony drinking. I walked up to the sliding glass door and was shocked from what I’ve heard.

“I miss her so much but there’s nothing we can do to bring her back.” I head Young-Bae say. “I miss her so much.” He wiped away a tear and Top patted his shoulder.

“It’s okay dude. She lives in our hearts. I kinda miss her too. Everything is different without her.” He gulped down his beer and sat back in his chair.

They all decided to go inside and a cold wind came in and gave them chills. Young-Bae stopped in front of me and looked straight into my eyes.

“I miss you” he whispered. Then he followed everyone.

“Ya! Young-Bae! How long has it been since Kamille passed away?” GD asked. I stood there frozen.

Me? Dead? HOW? I’m right here celebrating with everyone. What the hell happened?

Suddenly I felt dizzy then everything came clear. I saw Young-Bae waking up in the hospital, I saw him talking to himself in out house. I see him leaving.

WHAT IS THIS? This isn’t happening…

“Ya! Hyung, wanna go to the cemetery to put flowers in her grave? To visit her?” Young-Bae asked Top and then they left.

Something really cold pulled me and then I was in the cemetery with them. I stood beside Young-Bae and listened to everything he said.

“Baby, I love you. I miss you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much for saving my life. Please look after me from heaven, and when time comes, please save me a seat. I will see you again. Not today but someday. I love you so much.”

He placed the white roses that I loved so much right in front of the tombstone that had my name etched in it.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF

KAMILLE LOUISE LEE

From that, I saw a light shining so bright. I know it was time to go. As I was walking to the light I had an urge to look back. Young-Bae was watching me, I waved and he waved back. I silently said goodbye to the person that I loved.

I love you and I’ll see you up in heaven.

Another busy day is finally done. I couldn’t wait to go home and be in the comfort of my own house. I didn’t slept well in the hotel that we were in and to top it all off I had to perform during the day. Everything else went according to plan but what happened in the plane was something unexpected.

We boarded the plane and was assisted to the right cabin. As I walked down the aisle to get to my seat, I had the urge to look behind me. There she was sitting at the far end of the First Class cabin. She was wearing jeans, a shirt and a cardigan sweater, her hair was pulled up in a pony tail. She sat comfortable in her seat while she browse through the magazines that were located in front of her. She looked up and noticed me staring, I couldn’t help but smile. I didn’t expect for a smile back but she did. Holy sheesh she’s pretty was all I can think of.

I got to my seat and sat there smiling like an idiot. I’ve never been this star struck by someone so simple and ordinary yet elegant person. I peeked behind me and found out that JiYong was seated next to her. I sat back and tried my hardest to come up with something to tell him so we can exchange seats, but I failed.

The flight home wasn’t that long, I fell asleep the minute the plane took off the ground and woke up as soon as it landed. I waited for everyone to get out before I made my way out of the plane hoping she’d still be there, but she wasn’t.

JiYong noticed some disappointment as we walk to the baggage claim. I didn’t say much to him until we were waiting for our luggage. Looking through the conveyor that had all the suitcases travel around for owners to see and get, there was one bright pink luggage that came out. I followed it around and at the far end there she was waiting for her own belongings

I didn’t let anything stop me. I walked up to her and casually stood there to wait for my suitcase. I saw her look up at me and I smiled at her.

“Hi! I’m Seung Hyun.” I reached out my hand to shake hers as she introduced herself. “Hello! I’m ______.” She then flashed her heart warming smile that captured my heart in the plane.

Ah! I better end this here for now. I guess I need some sleep. All I can think of is her and her smile. I got her name but that’s about it. I don’t know if I’ll be able to see her again but hopefully one day our paths with cross again.

CSH

I will start with this fictional TOP diary. It’s going to be like a scenario, where he tells everyone what’s on his mind. Let’s try this out and hopefully I get to hear from our readers. 

Hi guys! This is Shen. I love writing novels, compose my own songs and share it with the world. This blog will serve as a place where I can post all the things my friends and I write. There will be three moderators here and we will try as much as we can to post and update. 

This blog is in its test run. We’ll see if we get enough people to follow and read our work of art. It’s not going to be just Fanfics, and Scenarios, we will also write our own reviews on music, shows, videos and whatever we see.

I won’t go into details for now since I’m editing things on this page. We hope for a full support from everyone. :)